Say Whaaaat?

 “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”

 -Michael Altshuler

   The last four years have flown by. It’s hard to believe how old our children are getting, and I am in awe of the kind of people they are turning out to be. I’m proud of each one of them. We already have two kids in high school and all of our kids are competing in high school athletics. They keep us on our toes, and I have to admit that this great pause has been a welcomed slow down in our home to regroup so we’re ready to take on these last several years while we have kids at home.

   Trying to recap the last several years with our surrogacy journey seems like a huge undertaking, and this highly sensitive person feels overwhelmed by the task, so I’m going to recall some of the highlights of the years gone by. 

Our relationship with our surro-family continues to be better than I could have ever dreamed of. I’m so grateful for the joy these little people bring to everyone they encounter and for their incredible Daddies. This family will always hold a special place in my heart. Being an active part of their lives is absolutely magical!

   I was awestruck when my IPs asked me to be one of Chloe’s godmothers. I already had the surprise and honor of being one of Spencer’s godmothers, so I was completely shocked when they asked me to take that role along with two of her aunties.  It’s one of the greatest honors of my life.

   Spencer and Chloe’s birthday parties are always pure joy to attend. Watching the kids play with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents is like frosting on the cake. It feels so natural to hang out with their extended family and friends. Several years ago one of their grandpa’s told me, “You know, Josie, we consider you part of our family.”  It was so sweet to hear. It was a feeling I already had, but hearing him say that just confirm that feeling. We gained a whole extra extended family and it couldn’t be more wonderful!

   Sleepovers! We tested a sleepover with just Spencer one night. Spencer and I had so much fun while our kids were at their sporting events. We went biking and had a popcorn and movie night. He even joined me at one of Jack’s baseball games where I may have lost him. I needed to grab something from my car, so I brought Spencer with me back to the car, and he silently ran away from me. I screamed for strangers to help search for him with me. It was probably five-ish minutes of pure terror. It turns out he ran back to my sister and parents who were at the ballfield. They asked him confused, “Where’s JoJo?” and he said, “Oh, she’ll be right back!”  I wasn’t sure if my IPs would ever trust me to watch their kids again. It turns out they asked us to watch both of their kids when they went on a weekend trip. I didn’t lose any of their children that weekend! It was such a great time to connect with their kids, read stories, play, and snuggle.

   Spencer graduated from preschool and was off to kindergarten last year. His graduation ceremony was complete with caps and gowns and songs. It was fun to be a part of his celebration. He has as much energy as George and he’s going to do some great things in his life!

   Random dinner dates at each others houses or meeting at a restaurant are always a highlight. In fact, our surro-fam were the last people we had over BC (before Covid). They were here Sunday night, March 15, 2020. We weren’t even sure if we should hug, but we did, and I’m so grateful for those hugs! I can’t remember if that was the night I made my favorite chicken coconut curry with green beans and coconut rice for dinner or if that was a different night they were here. Spencer loved that meal! We now exchange photos when we make it for dinner or his daddy makes it for his dinner. Spencer even requested his daddy make that for his sixth birthday dinner. We always enjoy catching up on those dinner dates. 

  

Could you ever imagine that I would be asked to be in the bridal party at my IP‘s wedding?  Guess who was asked to walk their kids down the aisle and even read at their ceremony (I’ve included the reading below)?  Me, that’s right!  I mean seriously, never in my wildest dreams would I ever think I’d have babies for a random couple, build a relationship with them, and be in their wedding!  Could you write a better story?  We should probably have a movie made about us. 

   

   Covid throws a wrench in so many aspects of life. Visiting with our surro-fam is no different. It has been relatively easy to do with the nice weather. We were able to visit outdoors and Spencer and Chloe were very excited to show off their running, baseball, and swinging skills. Now that the crummy weather is upon us, I don’t exactly know what kind of visiting we’ll be doing with anyone until spring. Perhaps we will just need to get creative and have sledding dates or outdoor hot tub visits. At least we live close so just swinging by to say “Hi” in person is always a possibility.

   Surrogacy continues to be my life‘s passion. Ben had requested I stop having babies after I had Chloe. He’s been supportive of my unconventional dreams that I’ve fulfilled, so I’ve been respectful of his request. I always kind of probed to see if he would budge on supporting me through one last journey every now and again over the last four years; not pushing the subject. Much to my surprise, after talking with each of our children individually, he gave me the green light again in late August to carry one last time.

  Somehow I flew through the screening process and we’re already matched! Our psych eval is complete and we’re in the contract phase already. Due to Covid, I requested a couple that was working with a local clinic so I won’t have to travel for the transfer. I also requested transferring only one embryo this time. My preference was a gay couple from Minnesota again, and I think our agency scored a second time with a perfect match! They live across the river from us, maybe 10 minutes away, and I also think that my first IP’s are going to get along great with my second IP’s. I envision a photo of all of these wombmates one day!  

   There needs to be a fun connection with our IPs, of course. About a year ago I had a friend ask me about surrogacy because she has a coworker and his husband she wanted to carry for.  Unfortunately, she was unable to carry for her friend/coworker. Fast forward to the day we had our matching call. My new IF and I realized we have a mutual friend. It turns out that couple my friend wanted to carry for was the couple I just randomly matched with!  It’s such a small world. 

   Thank you for your continued support in my crazy dreams. I know it’s hard for some people to wrap their brains around the idea of me carrying again, but just remember that my grandma had 14 babies in 14 years. I’ve only had five so far. My body was made for having babies and it brings me more joy than you can imagine. Our kids are all very excited and on board with another journey. My nieces are already asking if they can attend the birth. May we bring another healthy baby onto this earth and make this world and even more beautiful place! 

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage.  Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves.  Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the court of appeals for the sixth circuit is revised. It is so ordered.”

-United States Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy - June 26, 2015
THE DAY LOVE WON

The Mom I Thought I'd Be vs The Mom I Am

Again, nothing about surrogacy; however, I feel the need to remind others that you have no idea what a person is going through, so just be KIND.  Be kind always!

I've been doing some soul searching after overhearing a mother who does an astronomical amount of volunteer work with one of our kids' activities discussing with another mom about someone just like me...as I was in full force doing my volunteer job for the morning.  "I just don't understand who these parents are who help out just a couple of times and leave the rest for all of us regulars." was something similar to what she actually said.  This got me thinking - thinking about who I imagined myself to be before I had children...

I thought I would be the mom who is just like you. 
I thought I would be the one who's a part of every single booster club for each of our kids' organizations. 
I thought I would be the mom who volunteered in each of their classrooms every single week. 
I thought I would play a significant role in the PTO. 
I thought I would be the cool mom that would know all of our kids' friends AND acquaintances by name. 
I thought our house would be the hang out place; the one where there was an endless amount of soda, pizza, and snacks. 
I thought we'd have campfires every single Friday and kids crashing in our living room for the night.  I thought I'd have hot homemade caramel rolls ready for all of those kids to wake up to just like my mom made for my friends and me. 
I thought I would have endless energy. 
I thought I was an extrovert at that time in my life. 
I thought I would have all of my shit together. 

It turns out I'm nothing like I imagined myself to be.  I'm ok with that though.  What I didn't know then that I know now is that I would come to honor my needs far above anyone outside of our household (obviously our kids' needs come first)...
 
I honor the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I get overwhelmed easily. 
I honor the fact that I'm an introvert. 
I honor the fact that our 12 day old baby almost died at the same time my husband was supposed to leave for Iraq and I haven't slept a full night in nearly 15 years. 
I honor the fact that I've overcome PTSD.
I honor the fact that you see me at many of our kids' games, meets, shows, etc. because that brings me so much joy, but volunteering is way too much for me.
I honor the fact that when I do volunteer that I'm going way out of my comfort zone and it takes a toll on me. 
I honor the fact that I had NO IDEA how much work it would be to be a parent.
I honor the fact that every single child comes with some kind of challenge. 
I honor the fact that not all of our kids are neurotypical and I need to be present more than I ever imagined. 
I honor the fact that I've spent years of research and implementation on supplementation, diet, and alternative/holistic medicine.  I never imagine that I'd be researching CBD oils and fecal transplants!  I'm pretty sure that before I had kids that my thoughts on medical cannabis were very much in opposition to it. 
I honor the fact that I know the staff at our schools on a deeper level that I ever hoped to.
I honor the fact that I set boundaries.
I honor the fact that I don't need many friends in my life.  I pick quality over quantity.
I honor the fact that I learned how to say "no" and not feel bad about it.
I honor the fact that devoting as much time as I do to running allows me to escape my brain and find my soul.   
I honor the fact the I recognize what I need before giving to others, outside of our family, so I can be a good human, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, and employee. 
I honor the fact that I'm maxed out and I recognize it. 
I honor the fact that I'm nothing like I thought I'd be and I'm ok with that.
I honor the fact that I'm not you and you're not me.  You have no idea what's going on inside our home and the stressors that life has brought; nor do I know yours.  I respect you and I'm deeply GRATEFUL for the fact that you spend an exorbitant amount of your time volunteering for our kids' activities.  Thank you, THANK YOU for all you do.